A veteran hears a loud bang and jumps out of their chair. PTSD triggers are often depicted in movies, and it is easy to comprehend, action – reaction. But what do triggers of complex PTSD look like? PTSD is the consequents of a single traumatic event. Whereas cPTSD is the result of years of abuse, enmeshment, gaslighting and invalidation. That makes cPTSD triggers difficult to spot and complex and messy. So, let me give you an example.
When I was in my teens Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy came out. In it, scarecrow is kind of the lackey villain to the real villains. But to me he was by far the most memorable characters in all the movies. Worse than the joker. Which in my opinion was because the actor Cillian Murphy actually was a bad person. Because surely no-one is that good of an actor.
For a while now Netflix has been suggesting the series Peaky Blinders to me. Cillian Murphy’s picture front and center on the thumbnail. And I was like NO. No way. I hate him. But Netflix was persistent: I really think you would like this. When they finally wore my down, I was like okay I can just quit, if I hate it. (For readers without cPTSD that would be the obvious thing to do anyway. But well …) What can I say … I love the Peaky Blinders. The show is amazing. But let’s stay on the topic of Cillian Murphy’s convincing portrayal on a troubled, introvert that looks out for his people.
I was stumped. Going back to his scarecrow performance with quite a bit of recovery I have under my belt today I see that the hair, the glasses and abusing his position of power to meet his own evil means reminded me too much of my mother. What makes it a trigger though is the all or nothing response. Although I know how movies work there was no doubt in my mind that the actor himself is a bad person.
On encountering the trigger (watching the scarecrow) I immediately felt very high anxiety. But to others it just looked like an unreasonable dislike for a movie character. But the most impactful is that over ten years later it still determines how I make decisions. I almost missed out on a series that I really like. This is just home entertainment, but I know I have missed out on innumerable things in life because of this condition.
It takes two meditations a day to be able to realize I have had a trigger ten year ago. Anyway, all the work is worth it. That today I can see, and don’t get me wrong when I say Murphy is “just” a good actor.
