„There will be retribution“ My mother threatened me when I picked up the phone to call the police on her. I must have been about five years old. In kindergarten they have taught me to speak up if someone is mean to me or hurting me. Always tell someone. Your parents, and if that’s not possible call the police. And one night when it was really bad again, brave little me felt empowered by what she had learned in kindergarten. „What do you think is going to happen? They are not going to take you with them. This is not what a broken home looks like. And then there will be retribution.“ Terrified, I put the phone down, dried my tears and continued living in the abuse for 25 more years. I don’t think this is an uncommon scenario.
It is not unusual that police is called to mediate conflicted between parent and child. This study by Schut et al. analyzed police data of one year. They looked at instances in which police was called to resolve issues between a parent and a minor child. It transpired that it was more likely that police encountered a child being aggressive towards a parent. Often it was a male teenager victimizing his mother. Consequently, it was far less likely police encountered a parent being aggressive towards their child. In those cases, it was often the mother that victimized her daughter.
Logically the study suggests that boy being aggressive towards their mothers should be looked into more closely. However, I feel validated by these findings. Of cause I come from my life experience. But in my heart of hearts I know that there are more women out there with disturbed mothers. Chances are that mother-to-daughter incidences tend to go unreported. Like in my case.
This and other studies often talk about children in their teenage year. I was obviously much younger when my mother conditioned me to fearing retribution if I talked to the police. So, it might be the early influence that mothers have. We have such intimate relationships with our mothers that it is difficult for services to catch what can come between it.
But mothers as perpetrators often slip under the radar. We have this inherent but irrational notion to always think the best of them. And subtle communication that is typical for women often has no witnesses except the recipient. Regardless, it is as affective and can be as abusive as out right aggression. Nonetheless, it is difficult to quantify which would be necessary to analyze and publish the data. Which is crucial to raise awareness and prevention.
Police response to violence and conflict between parents and their minor children (2020) R. A. Schut, S. B. Sorenson, R. J. Gelles
