My cousin that is 9 years older than me frequently asked me to go out dancing with her. She said we tightening family bonds. I knew its because she didn’t have any friends. But that’s okay, it was my job to make my family members feel better. Interestingly, but not quiet surprising, I never heard from her again after her daughter was born. So I wondered about the phenomenon of new moms making new friends. Having the support of a group is so beneficial for new moms’ mental health, that it might be instinctual. But that must mean, since in nature every prosperity will attract parasitic life forms, that opportunistic personalities will use the bliss of new mothers for they own ends.
As an adult it is not as easy as it used to be to make friends. It is usually when we start school or uni or start a new hobby that we make new friends. But later in life everybody is already settled in their friend groups and if you move to a new city of example it can be difficult to find someone that is also looking for a new friend. One such favorable circumstance, which is not an option for everyone, is having a baby. Expecting mothers might no longer go to work and now have other priorities that youand no longer relate to their old friends like they used to. This naturally occurring point in time where women make new friends is also a good opportunity for people who have milked their old friends for what they are worth.
Especially in our western culture, where we are often separated form families and communities, new mothers often lack a support system. But they can find help, support and advise from other new moms. Often they meet at brith and parenting classes. It has shown that such a support system greatly improved their and consequently their babies well-being. Women have been interviewed and their answers analyzed to find four mayor topics in which their new friendships were valuable to them.
Feeling more confident:
The women said, checking in with other mothers gave them confidence. Seeing their own child develope like their peer, was reassuring.
Well, psychos of cause don’t need to check in with other. She is alway superior. But in these parenting classes they will find an eager audience. They can indulge the other new moms for an entire afternoon. Telling everybody how good they are at everything. And the other women will listen closely because they really want to know, to compare notes.
Making the experience bearable:
Some women reported that having this group of women made they struggles more bearable. A pregnancy is a complex experience, and women find comfort in sharing with others that cam empathize.
Mothers with Muchausen by proxy often have the most dramatic birth stories. This is also true for the imo least stable women in my family. Everybody listens, everybody has sympathy and nobody can know if the tell the truth or not. And this wonderful combination is also true for the group of new mom friends. Being even more interested and having all the sympathy.
Forming a unique bond:
Going through pregnancy and birth is such a human experience that the new mom friends soon share the most vulnerable details about themselves. This leads to them forming a unique bond.
For antagonistic personalities this is the most brilliant of short cuts. They don’t even have to lie and manipulate for people to tell them their insecurities. My mother very much enjoyed the position of power she used to have over me. But I doubt this joy would last long with the other new mothers. Since most of them will have not continued to take her bait but do what is best for their new child.
Finding a new equilibrium:
Even after birth the women reported it was nice to have the new mom friend group. Finding their new role and going back to work were issues these women where going through at the same time.
My mother and cousin had children rather late in life. Before that their took a lot of pried in their job or hobby. Their probably never saw the potential of parent groups for their parasitic life style before. And although ill adapted personalities will continue to fail to forming lasting friendships, it is a welcome new role. I was taken to all kinds of activities as a child. Even-though I early on suffered from chronic fatigue. She just wants me to have all the opportunities she never had, she said. Now I realize that of cause it was never about me, but the social validation she got from the other parents there was much higher and more acute than anything you will find in a workplace.
I already speculated in regard to breast feeding, that the goodness of motherhood is probably also getting exploited by some women. Society thinks women are to virtuous to explode others. In science it is often argued that the number of such incidences will be low. After what I had to go through I know the opportunities for mothers are endless and their deeds untraceable. But scientific data needs to be quantifiable and reproducible. That I think is the real issue here. In addition, it is only logical that where there is something good, antagonistic personalities will hijack it. The consequences for victims with abusive mothers are severe. Munchausen by proxy is only the tip of the iceberg.
Making Friends at Antenatal Classes: A Qualitative Exploration of Friendship Across the Transition to Motherhood (2012) M. L. Nolan, V. Mason, S. Snow, W. Messenger, J. Catling, P. Upton
