After I was born, my mother went back to work and my father stayed home with me. She made more money than him anyway. Once, when I was two years old I fall and started crying. My mother opened her arms wide to show everybody how nurturing she is. When I recognized her however, I turned around to find my father. He, after all was my primary caregiver. My mother of cause took my natural response as a personal insult. She shifted gears and sent my father away to stay home herself. – It is not uncommon that children experience loss of their caregiver. And it has serious mental health implications.
Official definitions often list death, abandonment, war or incarceration as reasons for loss/seperation. Some of these factors are associated with a poorer socioeconomic background. But young children have a limited understanding of the world. They are dependent on love and protection from someone else. If they lose either of those they have to fear death. This is true even when the circumstances seem very predictable to adults. This could be travels, hospitalization, separation or as in my case selfishness. In fact 45% of infants have experienced some type of loss regardless of their background.
Having experienced loss as an infant is associated with symptoms of post traumatic stress. And reactive attachment, where the child has become unable to trust and relate to their caregiver. It also causes the child to react in ways that make family life and caregiving more difficult. And psychiatric disorders are common. Especially in children that had to experience loss more than once.
When experiencing further challenges in life, children that have suffered multiple losses often get traumatized. They seem to re-experience not only the resent event but also the loss. It leaves them not only anxious but also fearful to be without protection. The hyper-vigilance that comes with trauma may be an adaptation to perceive any potential threads. However, this might be at the cost of leaning to how to self-regulate. – Then you have to learn that later in life which is a struggle. And it is very painful to realize how much suffering that could have been spared. But. Here we are.
Even if your prants were not malicious make sure to acknowledge your experience of loss. And if you are a caregiver now make sure to consider the child. They are never too young to remember!
Adverse impact of multiple separations or loss of primary caregivers on young children (2019) M. J. Briggs-Gowan, C. Greene, J. Ford, R. Clark, K. J. McCarthy and A. S. Carter
