Since my first day on this earth, I have been extradited to my mother’s narcissistic abuse. Nobody was ever concerned about how I felt. So, by the time I hit adulthood I could only categorize my feelings into two states: Okay or very angry. Her gaslighting and manipulation have left me with a patchy memory and a distorted value system. Now that I am on my healing journey I sift through my past, reevaluating what happened to me and how it made me feel.
The other day I stumbled upon a song that I loved when I was 11/12 years old. „I’m just a kid“ by Simple Plan. Of cause I still know the lyrics by heart. It is very upbeat even though it talks about been ostracized and feeling sad and lonely. A study that I recently came across might explain my choice of a favored song back then.
They hypothesized that different people like different songs not for the instrumentals but for the topics that are expressed in the lyrics. Participants listen to love songs and rebellious songs, while scientists imaged their brain activity. And indeed, they found that dependent on the kind of song they listened to different brain regions connected.
The cognitive areas of the brain that are working while actively listening to the music, communicate with other parts of the brain, depending on the type of song they listen to. While listening to love songs, brain regions related to sensory processing (thalamus) and the center of emotions (amygdala) reacted. Together the listeners felt empathy and where actually going through the emotions that were delivered in the song.
And when listening to rebellious songs, regions of the Orbitofrontal cortex lit up. The Orbitofrontal cortex that is involved in decision-making is also connected to the ventromedial prefrontal cortex that assesses fear and risk. Therefore, reflecting the neuronal network to contemplate traditional values that are challenged in rebellious songs (1).
What music means to me
As I was totally oblivious to the fact that what my parents did to me was actually abuse, I want to use is knowledge to reconstruct what I was really going through in my earlier years. It gives me a chance to reframe my experience and validate my feelings. For example, the very first line of “I’m just a kid” goes „I woke up it was seven, I wait until eleven“ That is literarily what I did every Saturday and Sunday. Solely to avoid having to tend to my mother’s needs and moderating conversations between her and my father. It wasn’t long before I had to omit from what I now know was a coping strategy. My mother became impatient when she didn’t get her daily dose of validation and my father called me a lazy layabout.
Another line goes „Cause I’m alone and the world is having more fun than me“. I always sung „Cause I’m alone in the world“. A Freudian slip, no doubt. Because that is certainly how I felt. I’m only realizing now how much physical pain I bore to not having to burden my parents with my troubles. It certainly made me feel very, very alone.
There are many more jams like that in there for me. And maybe you’re already think of lines that stand out to you from your favorite song.
Of cause my mother disapproved of the punk rock bands and the way I dressed. And since nothing is more dangerous than upsetting the narcissist, I stopped listening to my one favorite band.
I listen to the mainstream radio instead. With happy, cheery songs I gaslight myself. My brain did a mighty good job at hiding my feelings from me. And that is just as well, because surviving is what was important. Sadly, nobody can change that happened. But having these little windows into the past is so valuable to be able the rest the record straight, as they say.
